Friday, December 11, 2009


Who is the asshole who pulls little kids aside and teaches them the fit run? Cause I'm loading the gun right now.

You know the run. We've all seen it. Hell, we've all been guilty of doing it in our lifetime. But there are few things in this world more irritating than having to deal with or ignore said spectacle.

Insert disappointing incident that a kid has to deal with (NO you can't do that, stop trying to use mommy's pump on the dog, put down the meat cleaver, etc.) and watch the fit run unfold.

First the body contortions start.
Head is immediately thrown back and usually kinked off to one side.
Eyes scrunch up.
Nose flares and crinkles.
Mouth is pulled back into an exaggerated frown/sneer that looks like it came off a mastiff.
Shoulders drop.
Butt starts to stick out.

And then motion. While producing the sound only describable as a raven getting raped by a moose, the child begins the most awkward, graceless, limpy but yet stomping, flop run. Arms dangling uselessly at their sides while swinging from side to side smacking every possible thing along the way.

This run is the reason why chiropractors were invented. Have you seen the force that their little necks snap back with each step? I swear I've seen skull make impact with shoulder blades. That's not normal.

And I've learned the hard way. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to make eye contact with a parent who is themselves dealing with a child mid fit run. That little smile of encouragement will most certainly be taken as you laughing at their misfortune, or you somehow judging them. Just go 'bout your business.

But if you can sneak a kick in on the little fucker without being seen, it may just do you both some good.

I know it makes me feel better.

1 comment:

  1. I can't help it; until my child takes his monster fits on the road, I'm going to snicker. I figure I'll get it all back in interest in about a year, year and a half if I'm lucky. =D

    You know, I remember this sort of fit well. That my mother let me live to adulthood is still a mystery, actually... Though she supposedly once chased me with a needle, so maybe not.