PTSD

You always hear about how the physical scars heal quicker than the emotional ones.  Hell, I make a living banking on that.  And today proved that theory right here in my house.  Twice over. 

I decided to make some pasta for lunch for us.  Just pasta.  I deliberately did not do mac and cheese, and I specifically chose a pasta shape that in no way resembled elbow noodles.  I got through all what I thought would be trigger moments, including pouring it into the strainer, without incident.  And then I set it on the table.  Layla saw some steam come off it and she ran.  She flat refused to eat it.  She would get near it and then whimper and run.  Mike finally got her to eat two bites, but she fought it.

Tonight was worse.  I made some soup that I know both girls like.  Layla ate it warm without incident, but didn't finish it.  We make a point to leave uneaten dinner either out or put up and covered so that if she whines later that she's hungry, she gets dinner warmed back up and not snacks.  So her bowl sat on the table about 1/4 full of cold soup when she went back over and started grazing on it.  I heard, rather than saw, what happened.  Basically she fell off her chair and spilled some soup on herself.  Cold soup.  STONE cold soup.  And she screamed and freaked out.  A for real scream.  She was scared.  She kept saying ow and pulling at her shirt (you could see where it had spilled soup on it).  I pulled her shirt off and she took an inventory of all of her burns.  And then for good measure, she pulled her pants off.  She wasn't taking any chances.

And I felt worse at that moment than I have since the incident happened.  It's going to be a slow and deliberate path to full recovery and loss of intense feelings with the memory or things that resemble the incident.  It's heartbreaking to watch your kid panic.  And it's gut wrenching to know that you caused it.